Archive for ‘FWDs’

January 12, 2007

How is this photo beta…!?

got this as FWD and not sure about the author – well written, humor with thoughts..

How is this photo beta. She is beautiful right ?

Mom asks her beta while showing a girl’s color-photo picked out from her diary. This is one of the first questions a concerend mom would ask her “available” beta when she feels her nanna-munna-beta has finally “come-of-age” for marriage purposes. She, even before asking her beta’s opinion, would first advertise his profile in one of those communitiy matrimonial circle manazines and collect profiles & photos of available girls around. Then, Based on her perceptionsof the prospective Bahu traits, looks and screening she’d hand-pick a few of these profiles. Once this homework is done she’d introduce the Topic of marriage to his son with one of these photos.

Typically, she thinks her “innocent-beta” would not allow her proceed with the pre-marriage tasks as she feels he’d be “very-happy” being single and would even want to concentrate more on his “career” before thinking about settling down. So this innocent mom would first get the photos and then try to “entice” her betaa with these photos and a quick 2 minute summary of these girls – “five-six tall aakkum !! very fair, Nice character..works as manager in Citibank. Music lover aakkummam”

While our mom is busy with these pre-marriage tasks, seldom she knows about the latent thoughts running on in her “naive-beta’s-gullible-mind”. As we know, He would typically be obsessed with “Post-marriage” tasks. And a typicalmetro born “naive-beta” would have just had about 13 proposals, 3-5 acceptances, 37 dates and 5-6 broken-heart experiences until now.And his mom knows none of these stories. Finally when none of these “extra-curriculars” works out, the beta would wait for his mom to start “co-curricular” activities.

He’d have cursed his mother silently for atleast 2 years for not starting looking for him. But after the long long wait when his mom pokes a photograph of a pretty looking lady on to his face and asks the question, he’d play a TOM-CAT, would blush, look down, draw semi-circles with his toes and say “Mamma..i dont want to marry now”…

A typical beta would never admit that he wants to marry. Rather he creates a scenario where he gives out the message that he is agreeing to the marriage only under the immense PRESSURE put on him by his parents. Here is how it goes :

Let the time now be 8.15 am. Our beta is getting ready to leave for work. That is the time our mamma shows a photo to him. The girl looked bad,and had a below-expectation type profile. So our beta shouts at his MOM :

“HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TOLD NOT TO LOOK FOR ME NOW ?”..YOU DONT UNDERSTAND…I HAVE TO PLAN A CAREER..A LIFE..I NEED TIME..2 YEARS TIME..”

At 8.30 AM when our beta is just done with the breakfast and when mom feels he’s cooled down, she shows another photo –> This time an above-average profile. And a better looking girl. Our Betaa smiles this time, blushes and says softly:

“Oh..amma..i need just some more time before marriage..just..u see..I am working..i need to be focussed..wait for 2-3 months..”.

And when at 8.45 am, mom shows a sweet girl’s picture (resembling Mallika Sherawat), the guy yields to “pressure” –> First smiles, then controlls smile and then blushes. He’d pretend not to have seen that photo at all (He’s definitely noticed the mallika like part though) and say politely :

“If you all want me to marry, then..then..I needed somemore time…but. i’ll agree..go ahead..whatelse can i do?…”

Then comes the “formally-seeing-the-girl” part. Son, accompanied by his dad & mom, eldest brother of dad, elder sister of mom and Broker goes tothe girl’s house. On the way in the car our betaa would have, by now, gauged the best of features of the girl like a super-intelligent computer.Based on that single photograph of the girl he has seen, our son would have fantasized the girl in atleast three different dresses, hair-styles and fashions. And finally when the girl’s dad calls his daughter out to the living room to meet everyone, Betaa realises that the photo he’s seen was atleast 2 years old ! And like the India’s GDP calculation, the projected estimate (36-28-34) is no where near the actual figure (34-32-36).

By the time he could re-estimate his calculations, imaginations and have another round of self-satisfaction-survey (typically a profile matching execrcise where he’d see if the earlier projected estimate could bere-estimated to fit with actual figure) , his dad & her dad have realised that they have a common close friend. His Mom & her mom have just realised that MoM #1’s 2nd cousin’s husband’s sister was married to Mom #2’s sister-in-law’s brother-in-law. Also the Girl’s naani was the first to recollect the family name of our Betaa’s Naana. Now its a real dead-lock –> Even if Betaa wants to get off this marriage, he cannot.And he has to again “yield” to pressure – This time literally.

After consulting with all his friends, our son finally assures himself that 34-32-36 with a Job in ICICI is finally manageable. They (friends) tell him aboutthe intangible aspects of a woman like personality, Behavior etc (Though its a fact that the friends have themselves gone by “numbers” eventually). Finally, they both start sending emails and decide to start dating. And he accepts the fact that Not everyone can be mallika sherawat. There areother heroines too in India.

After-all, according to his imaginations, except for the VitalStatistix, everything else about her (personality, Body Lang, pomp, attitude) is just perfect. Its again similar to how Govt concludes on how “India Is shining” despite poor numbers like fiscal deficit, suicidal rates, Below-poverty-line-% etc). And corporate India goes only by “Numbers”. No wonder why the latter is more successful.

During his first date He realises that her english is accented & Body Language is bad (personality test failed). And she realises that he doesnt take bath.

During the second date he realises that she wears only sarees or salwar-kameez. (fashionability test failed). And she realises that he doesn’t know to drive a bike.

During the third date he realises that she eats only vegetarian & would never visit a Pub or Bar. And she realises that he’s not a first-timer in Dating.

During the fourth date he realises that she can never miss a friday fast or a monday temple visit. And she realises that He can never miss a friday mumbai-disc or sunday pune-disc.

During the fifth date he realises that she wants him to quit smoking and drinking. And she realises he wants her to start doing both.

During the sixth date he realises that her family is Keen to get married to him immediately. And she realises his family has already fixed up the date of marriage.

—————- Marriage Takes Place ————————

After 1 week into marriage he realises she’s not even Mamta kulkarni – forget Mallika sherawat. And she realises that he’s salman khan without fitness.

Yet…Yet…After 1 month he & she realises she’s carrying :-). But how ? 🙂 🙂
After 1 year, they realise they are three – Not two anymore.

Yet…They complete silver, golden Jubiless together as a happily married & settled couple.

Yet..people around call it the perfect marriage and term them “made-for-each-other”

Ofcourse there’s another story on what the Girl realises about Guy at different stages. But that could be more Nasty to write here! So in this successful relationship, Neither the “numbers” worked well. Nor the Intangibles. “Marriage is all about compromises” –> People say !! But when everything is against expectations, can we call it a “compromise” ?

Good day to you & If single, good wishes too !

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October 14, 2006

To his Coy Mistress

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love’s day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges’ side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time’s winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv’d virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave’s a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am’rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp’d power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

To his Coy Mistress
by Andrew Marvell

June 6, 2006

What is the difference between girls age..?

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!!

February 3, 2006

History of the Middle Finger…

Well, now……here’s something I never knew before, and I feel compelled
to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel
edified.

Isn’t history more fun when you know something about it? Giving the Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable
of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act
of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew!”

“PLUCK YEW!”

Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’, and thus the words
often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird.”
And yew thought yew knew everything.

December 26, 2005

Marketing Concepts

Professor at a University was explaining Marketing Concepts:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I am very rich.Marry me!”
That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s very rich.Marry him.”
That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and
say “Hi,I’m very rich.Marry me.”
That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich.Will you marry me?”
That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich..”
That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I’m rich.Marry me” She gives you a nice hard
slap on your face.
That’s Customer Feedback !!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I am very rich.Marry me!”
And she introduces you to her husband
That’s Demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and before you say, “I am very rich.Marry me!”
she turns her face towards you ————

she is your wife !
That’s competition eating into your market share.

December 19, 2005

Words Inside Our Heart

It was raining heavily outside. Dark clouds gathered in the sky and nature was in its ominous best. I took a break from my work and went to the pantry to grab a cup of coffee. I had a sip and went near the window to see the rain pouring down heavily outside the glass structure. I was inside our huge office building, unruffled by even the fierceness of the nature. Through the heavy transparent glass, I could see a small girl trying to hold on to her umbrella which the wind was snatching away from her. I felt sorry for the girl, and was happy that I was not in a similar pathetic situation. Yes. I take pride for the fact that I am a software engineer. I have everything which a common man would envy; money, status, respect, you name it I have it. I always wanted to be software professional and here I am, working for one of the best firms in the world. But then, am I really happy? Now, I could see an imprint of my palm on the other glass window, through which I reminisced my past, basked in the warmth of the sun shine.

My childhood was so much of fun. I vividly remember those rainy days, when I hugged my mother tightly during sleeping listening to all the stories told by her. Now, I have a big house here, but then it is just a house, not a home. My parents are pretty far away from me now. I have a cell phone to talk to them everyday, but then I really miss those dinners which I had with my family everyday. I could easily afford to taste all the different cuisines these days, but the best of food there, lack the love and affection which is present in the food prepared by my mother. I threw a lavish party for my colleagues for my birthday, but then they would never replace the birthdays when my friends secretly brought a cake and at the end, half of the cake would have ended up on my face. The couple of hundred bucks that u save for a long period just to give a treat to your friends in the road side chat shop can never give the pleasure even after spending a few thousand bucks these days. The scene of me crying and refusing to have dinner on the day when I fought with my best friend came to my mind. Today, she has gone far away from me, taking away my love and with it my life, but I am sitting and coding here with a false smile on my face. Everyday I meet new people, but then I long ceased to make a new friend. It’s true that I have a lot of things now. I have a nice bed, but no time to sleep. Lots of money, but no friends to spend it with. The latest designer clothes, but a worn out body. Quite a few to flirt, but no one to love. Awards for technical excellence, but no reward for the crave for peaceful ambience. A confident demeanor, but a reluctant and apathetic mind. Full of rain, but no sunshine even in the farthest distance.

Now, I could see the small girl on the road enjoying in the rain with her umbrella firmly in her grip. She might not have all the comforts which I have, but then she has the innocence and fun which I lost a long time back. I have decided to come out of this false fantasy, even if it is at the expense of losing the tap of the software engineer. I am going to again enjoy my life. I am going to go out in the rain and play with the small kid now. I removed my tie, and went near my computer to shut it down. Just then, I saw a new mail alert in my mail box. I slowly opened outlook and I found a message from my manager with an attachment saying that there was a critical defect in the code and I have to fix it soon. I convinced myself that I am not going to get bogged down again by these pressures and stick to my decision. I ignored the mail and went to the rest room.

After a couple of minutes, the software engineer in me came out, his shirt tucked in with the perfect tie knot, sat before the computer, and started typing,

XYZ,
I am looking into the defect and will send the patch files before EOD.
😉

(This was sent by a friend: Often times, we find ourselves looking back over the years we have spent and we find ourselves missing those times. Actually NOW has always been the best time for change)

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