Archive for ‘arrange marriage’

May 7, 2007

Arrange marriage? One moment please…

Thanks to Annitya, landed on nice article Arrange marriage? One moment please

Tip 1: Do not get ‘talked into’ marriage
Tip 2: Going out more than once does not mean it’s a ‘Yes’
Tip 3: Go on dates that take the focus off of the topic
Tip 4: Leave the question answering for the final date
Tip 5: If you are rejected, don’t take it personally
Tip 6: If you reject the relationship, steer away from pointing out his weaknesses

for reading and thinking….

In truth, arrange marriages are more complicated than love marriages. It demands more time and emotion which the more you put in, the more you’re risking. But if all goes well, there’s nothing like arrange marriages that give you the red carpet treatment from family and relatives. A final note – before looking into a prospective partner do bear in mind that if  you can have high expectations, they can too.

What is the perfect marriage? …
Forgiveness and love for each.
Given from the loving one-
-from way up above.

Yes, Trust & Love, you are happening
Marriage, you are new beginning
Without the other you shan’t survive.
and then on, they walked hand-in hand..

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March 14, 2007

Marrige..(un)Defined…

Recently, landed on Shashi Krishna’s blog about Happy? Marriage? or both??

I know my parents will soon start asking me questions about my plans of ‘settling down’ in life. They will want me to be part of the crowd they were by going in for arranged marriage which does not scare me as much. But what scares me is the notion of being married to someone without love. What scares me is the concept of ‘making love grow’ after tying the knot. What scares me is the scheduled timing that takes place with such arrangements. One cannot blame me for seeing it this way. Born and bred in a pretty liberal society back in India I have been completely exposed to a whole new set of ideologies in the western world for the past decade. This exposure has in effect changed the way I visualize wedlock. I am sure I am not the only one in this weird dilemma as to which way to go when it boils down to ‘spending the rest of my life with someone’.

I totally hear him and feel the same.

sometime back.. i did some reading and post blog about arrange marriage then i wasn’t even close to thinking about marriage.. so i could post a very objective blog.

What is the perfect marriage? …
Forgiveness and love for each.
Given from the loving one-
-from way up above.

Now, when if i think for answers.. although, from friends experience and my reading (resulted as post) is still logical, real, mindful,.. but i dont know, somehow something might be missing… anyways truth is — fear is always a lot bigger in your head than it is in reality.. so I takes things as its comes.

Marriage
many have tasted the bitter side of it
many that found themselves inside
wished they were not married
many that are outside
look with great admiration
towards exploiting it benefit and profit

Marriage
an idea divine, designed, imported,
profit and benefit intended
affection, procreation, benediction expected
platform to extend and expand,
goodness, kindness
and the righteousness
of GOD who designed
and also assigned
wisdom to enjoy the same:
to all the creation

Marriage
what is the problem?
many got the product, but neglected the manual
problem reminded many that they are not
fully prepared, Yet it is too late
to enjoy the profit and benefit intended
for marriage

Marriage’s missions: mentoring, maturing, multiplying,
Mission met marriage mended
Mission missed marriage messed

Perfection and Reality are Oxymorons

January 12, 2007

How is this photo beta…!?

got this as FWD and not sure about the author – well written, humor with thoughts..

How is this photo beta. She is beautiful right ?

Mom asks her beta while showing a girl’s color-photo picked out from her diary. This is one of the first questions a concerend mom would ask her “available” beta when she feels her nanna-munna-beta has finally “come-of-age” for marriage purposes. She, even before asking her beta’s opinion, would first advertise his profile in one of those communitiy matrimonial circle manazines and collect profiles & photos of available girls around. Then, Based on her perceptionsof the prospective Bahu traits, looks and screening she’d hand-pick a few of these profiles. Once this homework is done she’d introduce the Topic of marriage to his son with one of these photos.

Typically, she thinks her “innocent-beta” would not allow her proceed with the pre-marriage tasks as she feels he’d be “very-happy” being single and would even want to concentrate more on his “career” before thinking about settling down. So this innocent mom would first get the photos and then try to “entice” her betaa with these photos and a quick 2 minute summary of these girls – “five-six tall aakkum !! very fair, Nice character..works as manager in Citibank. Music lover aakkummam”

While our mom is busy with these pre-marriage tasks, seldom she knows about the latent thoughts running on in her “naive-beta’s-gullible-mind”. As we know, He would typically be obsessed with “Post-marriage” tasks. And a typicalmetro born “naive-beta” would have just had about 13 proposals, 3-5 acceptances, 37 dates and 5-6 broken-heart experiences until now.And his mom knows none of these stories. Finally when none of these “extra-curriculars” works out, the beta would wait for his mom to start “co-curricular” activities.

He’d have cursed his mother silently for atleast 2 years for not starting looking for him. But after the long long wait when his mom pokes a photograph of a pretty looking lady on to his face and asks the question, he’d play a TOM-CAT, would blush, look down, draw semi-circles with his toes and say “Mamma..i dont want to marry now”…

A typical beta would never admit that he wants to marry. Rather he creates a scenario where he gives out the message that he is agreeing to the marriage only under the immense PRESSURE put on him by his parents. Here is how it goes :

Let the time now be 8.15 am. Our beta is getting ready to leave for work. That is the time our mamma shows a photo to him. The girl looked bad,and had a below-expectation type profile. So our beta shouts at his MOM :

“HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TOLD NOT TO LOOK FOR ME NOW ?”..YOU DONT UNDERSTAND…I HAVE TO PLAN A CAREER..A LIFE..I NEED TIME..2 YEARS TIME..”

At 8.30 AM when our beta is just done with the breakfast and when mom feels he’s cooled down, she shows another photo –> This time an above-average profile. And a better looking girl. Our Betaa smiles this time, blushes and says softly:

“Oh..amma..i need just some more time before marriage..just..u see..I am working..i need to be focussed..wait for 2-3 months..”.

And when at 8.45 am, mom shows a sweet girl’s picture (resembling Mallika Sherawat), the guy yields to “pressure” –> First smiles, then controlls smile and then blushes. He’d pretend not to have seen that photo at all (He’s definitely noticed the mallika like part though) and say politely :

“If you all want me to marry, then..then..I needed somemore time…but. i’ll agree..go ahead..whatelse can i do?…”

Then comes the “formally-seeing-the-girl” part. Son, accompanied by his dad & mom, eldest brother of dad, elder sister of mom and Broker goes tothe girl’s house. On the way in the car our betaa would have, by now, gauged the best of features of the girl like a super-intelligent computer.Based on that single photograph of the girl he has seen, our son would have fantasized the girl in atleast three different dresses, hair-styles and fashions. And finally when the girl’s dad calls his daughter out to the living room to meet everyone, Betaa realises that the photo he’s seen was atleast 2 years old ! And like the India’s GDP calculation, the projected estimate (36-28-34) is no where near the actual figure (34-32-36).

By the time he could re-estimate his calculations, imaginations and have another round of self-satisfaction-survey (typically a profile matching execrcise where he’d see if the earlier projected estimate could bere-estimated to fit with actual figure) , his dad & her dad have realised that they have a common close friend. His Mom & her mom have just realised that MoM #1’s 2nd cousin’s husband’s sister was married to Mom #2’s sister-in-law’s brother-in-law. Also the Girl’s naani was the first to recollect the family name of our Betaa’s Naana. Now its a real dead-lock –> Even if Betaa wants to get off this marriage, he cannot.And he has to again “yield” to pressure – This time literally.

After consulting with all his friends, our son finally assures himself that 34-32-36 with a Job in ICICI is finally manageable. They (friends) tell him aboutthe intangible aspects of a woman like personality, Behavior etc (Though its a fact that the friends have themselves gone by “numbers” eventually). Finally, they both start sending emails and decide to start dating. And he accepts the fact that Not everyone can be mallika sherawat. There areother heroines too in India.

After-all, according to his imaginations, except for the VitalStatistix, everything else about her (personality, Body Lang, pomp, attitude) is just perfect. Its again similar to how Govt concludes on how “India Is shining” despite poor numbers like fiscal deficit, suicidal rates, Below-poverty-line-% etc). And corporate India goes only by “Numbers”. No wonder why the latter is more successful.

During his first date He realises that her english is accented & Body Language is bad (personality test failed). And she realises that he doesnt take bath.

During the second date he realises that she wears only sarees or salwar-kameez. (fashionability test failed). And she realises that he doesn’t know to drive a bike.

During the third date he realises that she eats only vegetarian & would never visit a Pub or Bar. And she realises that he’s not a first-timer in Dating.

During the fourth date he realises that she can never miss a friday fast or a monday temple visit. And she realises that He can never miss a friday mumbai-disc or sunday pune-disc.

During the fifth date he realises that she wants him to quit smoking and drinking. And she realises he wants her to start doing both.

During the sixth date he realises that her family is Keen to get married to him immediately. And she realises his family has already fixed up the date of marriage.

—————- Marriage Takes Place ————————

After 1 week into marriage he realises she’s not even Mamta kulkarni – forget Mallika sherawat. And she realises that he’s salman khan without fitness.

Yet…Yet…After 1 month he & she realises she’s carrying :-). But how ? 🙂 🙂
After 1 year, they realise they are three – Not two anymore.

Yet…They complete silver, golden Jubiless together as a happily married & settled couple.

Yet..people around call it the perfect marriage and term them “made-for-each-other”

Ofcourse there’s another story on what the Girl realises about Guy at different stages. But that could be more Nasty to write here! So in this successful relationship, Neither the “numbers” worked well. Nor the Intangibles. “Marriage is all about compromises” –> People say !! But when everything is against expectations, can we call it a “compromise” ?

Good day to you & If single, good wishes too !

November 6, 2006

New age Arranged marriages: Groom’s perspective

http://in.rediff.com/getahead/2006/nov/01arrange.htm

Finished your studies, landed a job, and settled down? Like most other guys, marrying will probably be the next thing on your agenda. But, the dynamics of an arranged marriage have changed. Find out what the realities of this age-old tradition are, for a new generation.

New avatars

“Nowadays, parents simply suggest the person they feel is suitable for their son or daughter. Only if their child approves (after interacting with him or her), do things move ahead. Also, children are now increasingly taking the initiative to find their own partners. The number of people putting up their profiles at matrimonial sites is a case in point. So, children are now ‘arranging’ their own marriages,” says Sanjeev Sharma, 29, a software engineer currently in the ‘marriage market’, looking for a bride.

“By the new-age definition, an arranged marriage is just a ‘set-up’. Parents introduce their children to each other, who meet and may even date for some time. Then, if and when they are ready, they get married,” agrees Kamlesh Mathur, 27, a sales executive who has just joined the scene.

What are you looking for?

Who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you will make. Some questions that crop up include: What sort of a girl do I marry? Will she adjust to my family? How can I decide just by meeting her a few times? When should I marry? What if I make the wrong choice?

“Take a pen and paper and list the attributes you are looking for in a girl. For example, educational achievements, profession, appearance (looks, height, weight), etc. You might not find the ‘perfect’ girl, but you will have a fair idea of what you are looking for,” says Sanjeev. “The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with a good character too, not simply a good personality,” feels Kamlesh. Qualities to look out for include maturity and responsibility, a positive attitude toward life, commitment to the relationship, emotional openness, integrity and high self-esteem.

“Many men go for beauty when looking for a suitable bride. Sure, looks are important, but that should not be the most important criterion. Later on in life, it is her maturity and behaviour that will make all the difference,” feels Sanjeev.

In arranged marriages, family support also plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where compatibility of social status, family values and caste/religion may come in. “If she is going to live with your parents in a joint family set-up, it would be wise to take a few inputs from family members as well,” advises Kamlesh.

Tell your parents

The selection process is tough on every one involved in it. In arranged marriages, the involvement of family and society is pretty high. Clearly define some minimum criteria for selection in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans, etc., so your parents don’t waste their time. “It would be unfair to meet a girl three to four times only to change your mind, as it can have repercussions for her too. You should have your criteria ready. Be clear about what you are looking for, so you meet fewer people,” advises Jitesh Dwivedi, 28, a graphic designer who just finalised his match and will marry in December.

People often prefer partners from the same profession for better understanding. “For example, doctors sometimes prefer doctors for reasons that include being able to start a clinic together, etc. Also, the partner is better able to understand the working hours and professional difficulties. Thus, if you are looking for a specific match, convey it to your parents,” says Dr. Bhaskar Gupta, 29, a pathologist who had an arranged marriage last year. “As I am over 6 feet tall and live abroad, my personal preference is someone fluent in English and at least 5’3″ tall,” adds Sanjeev.

Background research

It is important for you and/or your parents to check the educational and family background of a prospective partner. This can be done via a reference check, a visit to the workplace (or institute, if she’s studying), through relatives, etc. The same process is used when the girl is abroad, but it is definitely more difficult. For one, a personal visit may not be possible and you have to rely on other sources for information. If you have friends/family abroad or living in proximity to the prospective bride, request them to meet her and check things out.

You can also perform an employer verification, check the visa status, request a medical test, etc. Also, communicate regularly through emails, phone, chat, etc. to know her better and get an insight into her lifestyle.

A meeting of minds

As we all know, it is difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. How, then, do you select a life partner? “This is where you need to take additional help of other mediums of communication like phone, email, chat, etc. because it is sometimes possible to discuss issues more freely and actually get a better idea of the person through these mediums than in person,” says Jitesh.

Whenever you do meet, relax and be yourself. Keep an open mind and don’t hesitate to discuss important issues. Wear something that you look good and feel comfortable in. Try meeting away from the usual crowd of relatives, at some neutral place like a coffee shop, so you can interact without being influenced by others. Above all, trust your gut feeling.

Ask away!

Those days are long gone when youngsters getting married hardly knew anything about each other. Now you can ask just about anything and no one is supposed to take offence. “If you have questions that may seem uncomfortable but deal with the reality of today’s social situation, or if you have doubts, by all means ask! Because NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking,” feels Dr. Bhaskar.

Here are some aspects that could be looked into once you get on familiar terrain.

General questions

  • Are you ready for marriage?
  • How would you describe yourself?
  • How do you like to spend your free time?
  • How do you feel about smoking and/or drinking?
  • What are you looking for in a spouse?
  • How much time do you need to decide?
  • What are your preferences, in terms of food?
  • What are your pet peeves?
  • How do you act when you get upset?
  • How do you feel about pets?
  • What is your family like?

Professional queries

  • What career path do you plan on taking?
  • How ambitious are you?
  • How much time do you spend at work?
  • How do you plan to balance work and family life?

Previous relationships

Today, a lot of young people may already have had a previous relationship. “Though having had a relationship is neither uncommon nor something to be ashamed of, people sometimes bring some ‘baggage’ — emotional and / or health-related — from the previous relationship. Of course, this applies to both men and women. Now, a woman should be equally cautious if a guy tells her he has had relationships previously, and should look for signs of any serious issues,” feels Dr. Bhaskar.

“Yes, a relationship in the past would be a concern for me. But then, my opinion can’t be generalised for all couples. It is a very individual thing,” says Kamlesh. “It is difficult to say, as it is a case-specific issue,” adds Sanjeev. “I feel there is nothing wrong with it if it is a thing of the past. What is more important is to be faithful to each other after marriage.”

Medical check-up?

“Yes, you and your partner should get one. Everyone knows the significance of getting oneself tested in today’s day and age, but the way you approach it involves a good amount of emotional maturity on the part of both,” says Sanjeev.

“It’s not as if you can’t ask the girl to be tested, but there is a degree of reluctance in asking, as it is a very delicate situation and people may feel insulted if not outraged. However, if tactfully handled, most people would respond favourably, even if they voice initial doubts,” says Dr. Bhaskar. “What you can do is tell the girl (and / or her parents) that, like you, they too are probably aware of the increasing incidence of HIV and may be experiencing some apprehension about it. Moreover, a blood test can also check for thalassemia and Rh factor. You can possibly both get tested at the same reliable clinic and then proceed with the marriage without any doubts,” he advises.

It’s your call

Do remember, all said and done, it is your marriage and your life that is at stake. After you get married, you and your wife are the ones who will face the music. Don’t marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you to do so. “Once you marry, if things don’t work out and you end up saying, ‘It’s only because of my parents that I married you’, then your marriage is destined for disaster,” says Sanjeev.

November 6, 2006

New age Arranged marriages: A bride’s perspective

http://in.rediff.com/getahead/2006/nov/02arrange.htm

The concept of arranged marriages has changed. And, not just for men. As a woman, ideally, your life partner should be someone with whom you can share interests and who will encourage your independence. As with any relationship, friendship is the key. Good communication from the beginning will help ensure that yours is a lasting, loving partnership.

Let’s take a look at how to go about looking for these characteristics in the context of an arranged marriage.

New avatars

Arranged marriages are not like they were, say, 20 years ago. “It is now more like meeting someone through your family or like being set up for a blind date,” says Rachna Shukla, 25, a Web designer who had an arranged marriage earlier this year. “Parents or friends introduce the couple and let them talk via phone or email, meet a couple of times, and then ask for a decision. If the couple says No, it’s a No. However, when parents are involved, there will inevitably be some pressure as they can’t help but give their opinion and advice,” she adds.

These days, couples often initiate the dialogue themselves, through matrimonial sites (as parents may not be familiar with computers) and end up being the ones introducing each other to their parents. “I call it an ‘arranged introduction’, as the choice is solely left to the couple. I feel this is the natural direction in which ‘arranged marriages’ are headed,” says Chetna Johari, 27, a computer engineer who is presently on the manhunt.

“Another difference is that it is no longer only the guy who decides first. Girls have an equal prerogative to do so. Also, as women are now more career-oriented and financially independent, they are usually not in a hurry,” continues Chetna.

What are you looking for?

The first thing to keep in mind is to make a list (at least mentally) of attributes you would want in your life partner, so you can focus better on your search. Depending upon your preferences, some factors that might be taken into consideration (not necessarily in this order) are — job, salary, educational qualifications, appearance (looks, height, weight, etc.), caste, horoscope, values (traditional, liberal or moderate), habits (drinking, smoking, etc.), location, family background, social standing, etc.

Inform your parents

It’s best to spell out any preferences beforehand, so your parents can search accordingly and the list can be narrowed down. This way, you will save your parents’ time as well. “As I have a non-transferable job in Delhi, I would prefer a Delhi-based match,” says Shalini Srivastava, 24, who works with an NGO and is looking for a life partner.

Meeting your ‘could-be’

Deciding to marry someone is one of the most important decisions of your life. If you are confused, unsure or awkward, don’t fret — so is the other person. Just a few things you can keep in mind when you meet your could-be significant other:

Dos: Wear something that is both flattering and comfortable. Try meeting away from relatives. Choose a neutral venue like a coffee shop. Pretend that you are on a blind date and try to enjoy yourself.

Don’ts: Don’t approach the meeting with the mindset that you have to marry this person. Don’t think you’ll be sure to hate him either.

Before, during, and after

Before meeting, try getting in touch with the person over the phone or through e-mail to prepare you, to some extent, for what to expect. During the meeting, keep an open mindset. Relax and just be yourself. Don’t hesitate to discuss important issues. Afterwards, think calmly and give yourself time to assess. Although this meeting may not indicate if this is ‘the’ person you should marry, it can certainly tell you whether you want to get to know the person better and take a step forward.

If, at any time during the meeting, you realise it won’t work, keep your cool, be polite, and try to keep it as short as possible. “Trusting your gut feeling is the most important — if you feel something is not right, it probably is not,” advises Rachna.

Ask away!

It’s perfectly okay to ask any questions you have in mind. But remember, timing is the key. For example, it can be outright insulting and offensive if the very first question is ‘How much do you earn, both net and gross?’

“Sometimes, information is not offered voluntarily and one hesitates to ask. But, if the answer to a question is important in taking matters further, there is no harm in asking. Maybe the person you ask will feel offended. But, when you are taking such an important decision, you have to take that risk. Isn’t it better that they feel bad now, rather than you feeling worse later?” asks Rachna.

General questions that could be asked once you get familiar:

  • Are you ready for marriage?
  • How would you describe yourself?
  • How do you like to spend your free time?
  • How do you feel about smoking and/or drinking?
  • What are you looking for in a spouse?
  • How much time do you want to decide?
  • What are your preferences, in terms of food (non-vegetarian or vegetarian)?
  • How do you feel about pets?
  • What is your family like?
  • What are your likes and dislikes?
  • How do you act when you get upset?
  • How often will we visit our extended family (if staying apart from them)?
  • Do you believe in sharing housework?

Appropriate questions on the profession front:

  • What are your future career plans?
  • How much time do you spend at work?
  • Are you looking for a working wife, housewife, or is it immaterial to you?
  • What would we do in the situation that I get transferred?

Background research

Although researching the boy’s background might seem painstaking, it is very important. “My friend got married to a very charming boy with a very good job. As he was from a reputed family too, they didn’t bother to ask about his habits. It was only after marrying him that she found out he had a drinking problem,” says Shalini.

The difficulty of researching goes up a notch when the boy is abroad, especially if you don’t have any friends/relatives to help you out there. This was the case with Asha (name changed), who married an NRI in the US only to discover, when she got there, that he had a live-in American girlfriend.

Thus, it would be wise to make discreet inquiries outside with the help of relatives and friends, with respect to his job, family background, age, education, habits, financial condition, medical history, lifestyle, etc.

“You can get an employer verification to find out if he is working there or not. Definitely check the visa status. You may also ask for a proof of employment letter, request a medical test, etc. Try calling discreetly at an odd hour to see who picks up the phone at night. You can hire a detective to do a background check (this is expensive, however). If you have friends and family abroad, ask them to meet him and find out more,” says Chetna.

Additionally, communicate regularly through email, phone, chat, etc. to get a better idea about the person.

Previous relationships

“These days, it is not uncommon at all to have had a previous relationship. If my partner had a previous relationship, I would try and be reasonable and objective about it. It depends on many factors like the type of relationship, duration, feelings, etc. As long as it is a thing of the past and he is now committed to his marriage, I would probably not mind,” says Shalini.

“However, finding out about a potential partner’s previous sexual history is next to impossible. Asking such personal questions will seem too embarrassing,” says Rachna. “Arranged marriages involve the whole family and private information coming out in the open could have severe repercussions, so some may not openly disclose this aspect,” says Dr. Bhaskar Gupta, 29, a pathologist who had an arranged marriage last year.

A medical checkup?

“Both partners getting a blood test is absolutely a must. If the boy’s side feels offended, help by telling them that you are convinced about getting it done yourself too,” says Chetna. “Actually, it is difficult for the girl or the girl’s side to ask this, but I wish every person going through an arranged marriage would have the courage to insist on such tests. Isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?” she continues.

“There are cases where, out of hesitation, marriages have taken place without such insistence, based solely on the goodwill of the family. The boys have been discovered to be HIV-positive later,” says Dr. Bhaskar.

“A blood test should be made compulsory for couples before marriage. Today, more boys and girls are choosing to go together to a clinic and get the test done before marriage. Some experts advise on making a thalassemia test mandatory before marriage too, for couples in high-incidence states, on the lines of the Goa Government’s plan for compulsory pre-matrimony HIV screening,” he continues.

Is he the one?

Finally, there should be mutual consent and understanding from both sides; only then can a marriage be sustained. “It is important that you like your prospective partner enough to marry him,” says Rachna. Good arranged marriages occur when the parents support and help their children find life partners.

September 14, 2006

The A-Z Guide to Arranged Marriage…

The A-Z Guide to Arranged Marriage By Rekha Waheed, is a sassy story that unapologetically celebrates the realities of an age-old tradition for the new generation. From the endless supply of unsuitable grooms-to-be, interfering auntijhis, broken protocols, to non-stop community pressures, we follow Maya Malik’s charming roller coaster ride through the arranged marriage process to realise that a girl can use old world traditions, and new world savvy to get exactly what she wants.

You’ve heard of Bridget Jones, Ally McBeal and Carrie Bradshaw, now meet Maya Malik. The ‘plagued by singledom’, quirky main character undoubtedly reaches out to a new generation of women through redefined stereotypes and new cultural challenges. All women will relate to her paranoia about singledom. The book is a contemporary, witty and proud representation of the controversial topic that has already created considerable interest.

The A-Z Guide to Arranged Marriage reflects the splendid spirit of Asian traditions that has mass appeal. This book was recommended to me by a friend and I must say book is more for female. so guys, if you are not reading this book – you are not missing anything…

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